someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
