I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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