I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
