420 ftw
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Its about making memories worth repressing
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
