it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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