oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
