Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
