my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
