wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
