Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
