Only a mothe r could love this liver
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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