she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
