I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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