I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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