So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
