Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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