he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
only you would photoshop your dick
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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