I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
