I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
kristin has been a bad kristin
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
