oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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