Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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