How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
