woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
