I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
