he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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