my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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