last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
