I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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