I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
