I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
