Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
