I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
