Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
