Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
this boner is exhausting
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
