so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
