Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
His nipple licking is glorious
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