Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woke up backwards on a recliner
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
