Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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