He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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