Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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