I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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