That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize