I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
