The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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