what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
