It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
