I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
