It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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