I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
pray to the hookup gods
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
