Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
