I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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