I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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