The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
