Soap is not a condiment
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
