yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
