the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
