I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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