I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
