If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She's the barista slut.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
